Preparing the Heart: My Journey Before Hajj (Pre-Hajj)

 

Recently, the early call for Hajj has been announced by Tabung Haji. The hajj mood has begun, as it was only last year that I also experienced the same feeling of anticipation and excitement. One of my friends, who was eagerly waiting for my experience to be shared in writing, kept asking me, 'When will I post my detailed hajj experience?' The busy work life has hindered me from doing so since I got back home. But I think I should not delay it anymore and write as long as the memory is still alive within me.

Performing Hajj is one of the fundamental Muslim obligations for those who are financially capable. Apart from fulfilling these Islamic obligations, this ritual has been a personal priority for me, which may also be influenced by my past experiences.

Twenty-five years ago, when I first had the chance to step into the Holy Land for the first time with my parents and younger brother in 2000, I was initially worried about my ability to perform ibadah, as I was experiencing irregular menses at the time, having just reached menarche. A few days before departing, my mom brought me to the GP and got advice on menstrual control pills. Even the doctor was sceptical as it was very last minute, and he prescribed me a few pills, wishing me all the best. I still remember that I was crying alone in my room and praying so hard that I would be able to perform the umrah, if Allah wills. I kept a positive spirit and stayed focused on my intention. I was a teenager and brought several guidance books along to equip myself with enough preparation for the umrah, although I had learned some basics in the Islamic Teaching subject. There was no video or preparation class during that time, I still can recall the name of the package: Utah Travel. I precede the Umrah ritual by visiting the Prophet's Mosque first. Alhamdulillah, I was able to start praying after one day of arriving in Madinah and later completed my spiritual journey accordingly. During that time, there was still the Zamzam well near the Kaaba, which could be accessed by pilgrims underground for ablution. I still recall my awe of the beautiful Arab ladies when they removed their black Hijab and abaya to reveal fancy underneath garments during the ablution process. It was not as crowded as nowadays. I was still able to sit near the Kaaba on the stairs around it and observe some small groups of children learning the Quran with the sheikh. My hotel was very near the Masjid, where I even got the chance to pray inside the mosque through Bab As Salam, even after leaving my room after the adzan prayer. But these hotels were no longer seen since the expansion of the mosque. One strong dua that I made during this first trip really affected my life purpose. I asked Allah for guidance during my Tawaf, seeking to be guided and choose a profession that would bring me closer to Him. I was in the midst of choosing my life path at that young age, and Alhamdulillah, Allah guided me to choose medicine as my professional path thereafter. And the journey was made easy by Him, alhamdulillah, for everything.

 

Eleven years later, when I was completing my last housemanship posting, I was asked by my friend to join an Umrah trip with her family and friends. There was, in fact, a significant incident that occurred before the trip. I had a slight disaster during the surgical viva for the end-of-posting assessment (surgery has always been my disaster since I was a medical student). The surgeon was not satisfied with my answers during the final posting assessment and decided to extend my surgical posting, which was my last posting during housemanship. It was devastating, and I cried badly, feeling unworthy and uncertain about my umrah plan. However, Allah granted a miracle and changed the surgeon's mind at the last minute. I was able to perform the umrah peacefully. It was my first time going alone, but I had good friends accompanying me. When you were in the Holy Land, your mind and focus were exclusively on your ibadah. I felt a great sense of relief to escape worldly life and reset my intention and purpose in life, to be a good servant and seek His blessings. I prayed for steadfastness and perseverance in the face of life's challenges. In the subsequent year, I got married to my lifelong partner, alhamdulillah. Ironically, my life partner is a surgeon.

 

Since then, I knew that I needed to prepare for Hajj if I wanted to set foot on the Holy Land again. Whenever Hajj season comes around and I watch the experiences of other people, I recall my own experience in the Holy Land, and it's an emotional spot where tears may begin to flow, a longing for being there and experiencing it once again. Even though I have the means to perform umrah, I keep reminding myself to save enough for the Hajj costs, which keep increasing yearly. By Allah's will, I met the two friendly ustaz Fattah and ustazah Rohana in Terengganu during my last family trip at the end of 2024, and I filled out the THTS form, which I have followed up on with communication since then. 'When your ultimate aim is akhirah, the world will follow you… 'is what I've learned from my Hajj application. I need to wait for another 7 years for my Hajj turn, while my husband will have to wait for many more years to come. We may never know when our ajl will be and whether we will have the ability to endure Hajj hardship when we are older in the next few years. That's why we've decided to apply for the private package THTS and strive for the best that we can. Of course, we applied the package that we can afford. However, towards the end of the year, we received a letter from THTS requesting that we attend the Mövenpick during the Hajj/Umrah promotion event and reconsider the package we would like to apply. The earlier package that we chose has been mainly filled in by the Muassasah group, who received the early call that year, and our chance of being accepted may be minimised. So, we were offered the opportunity to upgrade to a one level higher package, which may have resulted in a 97% chance of success. As decided by my husband, as he was the 'Ministry of Finance', we agreed to upgrade and strive further for budget allocation. As always stated, as long as your intention is pure and you are seeking good wealth, Allah will suffice you. Alhamdulillah, we managed to allocate an adequate budget for the package, as well as for the loved ones we left behind.

 

However, the process of undertaking the grand Hajj pilgrimage is not just about meeting the monetary requirements. It was mainly preparing the heart and pure intention. We increased our physical activities by strolling around Putrajaya and the hilly path at my roadhouse to imagine ourselves walking between Safwa and Marwah, at Masyair later. 'Qawwiy-ul Jism’ is the physical strength, which is essential so that we can perform the ibadah accordingly, and that will be at risk of communicable diseases during the Hajj, as it involves crowded people gathering from all over the world. As for luggage preparation, it should start early, as the journey is not a short trip. However, I would like to advise those planning to go for Hajj not to overdo it with their luggage preparation. I came back with lots of untouched toiletries, accessories…as we were granted with several gifts – umbrella, tumbler, toiletries set, blanket during the visit. We may think we need to equip ourselves with many things, but I suggest making a list and revisiting it to determine what is most needed. Don't feel pressured by the numerous inputs from social media. You know what u need most for yourself. Trust me, once you are prepared with peace of mind and heart, everything will be sufficient and nothing to complain about.

Another spiritual preparation is to cleanse your heart with forgiveness. During Nisf Sya’ban, we always being reminded with this famous hadith from Mu’az bin Jabal RA, the Prophet PBUH said:

يَطَّلِعُ اللهُ إِلَى خَلْقِهِ فِيْ لَيْلَةِ النِّصْفِ مِنْ شَعْبَانَ فَيَغْفِرُ لِجَمِيْعِ خَلْقِه إِلَّا لِمُشْرِكٍ أَوْ مُشَاحِنٍ

“Allah SWT looks upon His creations on the night of nisfu Sya’ban then forgives all His creations except the people who commit shirk and people who are hateful towards each other.”

Sahih Ibn Hibban (5665)

The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) also encouraged not only forgiving those who wrong us but also actively praying for their well-being. He showed us how to forgive, even when it was hard. When someone hurts you, forgive them. Not for their sake, but as a sign of gratitude to Allah.   This is in line with the broader Islamic teaching of responding to harm with kindness and supplication for the wrongdoer. I remember last year to embrace this concept, and five days later after the Nisf Sya’ban, I received SMS to check my THijari application for the hajj acceptance process:

RM0 Tuan/Puan TERPILIH tunai haji musim haji 1446H/2025M. Sila semak dan muat turun surat tawaran haji di laman web THiJARI.

Alhamdulillah…

“And whatever of blessings and good things you have, it is from Allah.”  

— Surah AnNahl (16:53)

Letting Go and Start Over

 

It has been one week since I reported duty in my new workplace - Universiti Putra Malaysia. Whenever people asked me on "how is I'm doing?", "how is life there?", I just could not really describe yet as I have not started my lecturer tasks fully yet at the moment. I tried to keep my daily routine as busy as possible like before by reorganizing my notes, laptops, books, decorating my rooms, reading articles, and updating my profiles online. These are all the 'to do lists' that I'd like to complete previously but never get the time when I was so engrossed with my previous work. 

The few early days at new work place was casual for me as I already familiar with the setting and people here during my postgraduate years of study. But I got this mix feelings of happy, anxious, and lonely. My phone became so quiet recently - guess what, from countless WhatsApp groups, now I only got 1 WhatsApp group to attend to for working purpose. I got plenty of time to always checking my mailboxes almost every half an hour.  No one is knocking my door except for En. Mus occasionally to pass on key/printed forms etc. No stacks of documents to be signed and checked on daily basis. No public complaints to attend to. No private messages or calls to ask on COVID-19 - I suppose my last year birthday wish has come true that no one ever contacted me in relation to COVID-19 anymore.

The year of 2020 - 2021 have been struggling years for most people when the pandemic COVID-19 strike the world. As a fresh DrPH graduate and gazetting Public Health Medicine Specialist, I came back to work with full of enthusiasm and courageous to fight the pandemic and face the ground work challenge. I began my work in Lembah Pantai district health office as a Medical Officer, helping out in the Operational Room daily activities - case investigation, data analysis, cluster report preparation and presentation, risk assessment, sampling activities planning and execution. Six months later, I was appointed as the Epidemiology Officer, boarding the ship when the COVID-19 cases spiking again after transient deceleration at the end of 2020. Alhamdulillah, with strong teamwork and some innovation on the work processes, we've managed to sailed through the 3rd waves of the pandemic, though many calamities have occurred. One of the most disheartening experience was looking at the increasing numbers of daily death reported. In average on daily basis, there were 15-20 number of dead bodies that were attended in Lembah Pantai during the peak of 3rd wave of the pandemic. The burnout and hopelessness feelings when nothing seems to be improving were very demotivating. When I was working as a Medical Officer in Anaesthesia Department last time, I could see the effect of resuscitation towards my patients instantly whenever their oxygen saturation picked up, their blood pressure increasing and the heart rate revived. Back then, even though I faced with patient's death under my care during on call, but the grieve and sadness was not relentless and perpetuated like what I've experienced in public health. When most people were stuck at home during MCO (Movement Control Order), I drove to work every day diligently, crying in the car every morning, anxious with what would come and preparing data as early as 5am in the morning. All the daunting experience not only gave impact to my emotions and psychologically, but also physically. I put on weight almost 5kg within 1 year full of stress, got palpitation and fine tremor. I could not go on if I don't have full support from my understanding husbands and family members… One day I was struck when my daughter asked my husband: "why ummi always go back home late and not cooking for us like last time anymore?" That's when I thought that I had enough with this hectic lifestyle. This is not how I wanted my life to continue and not the way I wanted my children to be brought up.

Becoming  the 'big boss' was never my intention upon becoming a specialist. With every great achievement, it comes with bigger responsibility. I was very fortunate to get the opportunity and was given trust to lead and manage a District Health Office in Kuala Lumpur - Lembah Pantai District Health Office. Although I didn't complete at least 1 year 'reign' as a Medical Officer of Health (MOH), it was a priceless lifetime experience that I'd bore. When I was appointed to become the MOH, I remembered one of the Ertugrul's script in the drama series:

"When your heart starts to beat for being a bey (Leader) once, it is much better for you to be captured. When this ambition captures your soul, be sure that your heart is thrown into the fire. May God protect our heart from that ambition… Let us always pursue God's blessing… Let us be the ones who are given duty, instead of asking for it… So that our heart will stay pure…"

Becoming a Medical Officer of Health is not easy as the responsibilities were enormous - handling staff issues, health care clinics management, financial and budgeting, human resource management, execution of public health management at district, public complaints, office and clinic project developments etc. I was juggling with many concurrent activities everyday: signing and checking documents, chairing and attending meetings, solving problems, planning activities, responding to higher authorities AS. Sometimes I thought I've became like an octopus in the office, not mere shaking legs like other people thought of. Since working alone in the office room, I rarely had my own 'me time' even for a peaceful lunch time/break. The tough gets going…

It was an irony for me, I started my doctor career under Ministry of Health in Kuala Lumpur, and later left this ministry when I was also working in Kuala Lumpur. I think I had enough with the morning rushing hour and purchasing endless traffic jams. It's time to resume life balance and pursue my long term interest in becoming a medical lecturer. When I attended the Islamic Input in Medical Practice course recently, I was reinspired when got the chance to see and listen back to the wisdom words of my dearest lecturers like Prof Tahir, Prof Omar Hassan Kasule, Prof Arif - they were all have portrayed good example and passionate Islamic medical educators. As a Muslim Medical Practitioner, we need to walk the talk and "be the instrument of Thy Will and Mercy, and in all humbleness, to exercise justice, love and compassion", as I took the Medical Oath IIUM 13 years ago 😊

The Missing Gap of Muslim Medical Practitioners

My attendance to yesterday seminar on Ibadah Friendly Hospital at UPM has reflected myself a lot as a Muslim medical practitioner. When I was an undergrad medical student in IIUM (UIAM), we were constantly reminded on islamicizing our medical management via Islamic Input subjects. This process of medical shift towards Islam is part of the paradigm shift for Muslim medical professionals from sechular into Tauhidic paradigm as to achieve God's blessings (Mardhatillah). As the product of International Islamic Medical University of Malaysia, we've signed and took the Muslim Physician Oath before we begin our duties as medical doctors.

Sadly, as we entered the real world of housemanship and medical practice, many of us diluted and lost our way with the existing working environment, including myself.  Though I've clerked and reviewed hundreds/thousands of Muslim patients, how many of them that I've spared my time asking on their solah, which is the fundamental pillar of Islam. I'd only interested in diagnosing and managed their medical illness, forgotten their spiritual needs, which need to be guided and assisted by Muslim Medical professionals. Undeniably, there are some of Muslim Medical professionals who are still ignorant on this issue, or worried about what other people may think if they talk on this matter (e.g. don't wan't to be labelled as a religious person). Assuming that Muslim should know how to perform and take care of their own solah (as everyone is in charge of their own deeds), or even park the whole responsibility to the single ustaz/ustazah  who is in charge of religious activity/programme in the hospital, I've separated the true concept of ibadah, which should include both religious and daily work/doings. The correct equation should be:

Work = Ibadah = Amal

So what so special about Ibadah friendly Hospital? It is not mere educating the medical staffs about alternative ways to perform solah in assisting Muslim patients. It is actually a platform for all medical professionals to perform good deeds for patients, between other staff members, and their own selves. I was very inspired when one of the speakers shared with us on how a public hospital in Terengganu has implemented this Ibadah friendly concept in their medical wards. When it was prayer time, patients and ward staffs will pray congregationally at the prayer space created in the ward. Apart from getting the multiplied rewards as performing solat jamaah, the relationships between ward staffs and the patients also can be harmonious as Islamic deeds incorporated in their daily task/activities. Doctors should prescribe and advice solah regularly in their medical management for Muslim patients so that nurses can carry out the order (instructions) easily. The spiritual needs of patients should be also taken care, which include ibadah performing assistance, spiritual support (chaplaincy), and spiritual care.

Scientifically, the benefit of Solah toward general well-being, medical illness like backache, impotency, and mental illness has been studied and proven by many researchers. I was very intrigued with the expert sharing from Prof. Ir. Dr. Fatimah Ibrahim fom Faculty of Engineering UPM on her innovation in quantifying the physical effect of solah by performing it correctly, according to the Sunnah. Her study findings showed that preoccupied (khusyuk) solah increased one's general well-being, internal energy, and longevity. I was surprised that the study on medical benefits of solah has been applied even by non-Muslim medical consultants in treating their patients and there is a special health clinic which provide this solah therapy in Universiti Malaya.

In order to execute and realize this holistic concept of Ibadah freindly hospital, Muslim medical professionals should be more assertive and brave in holding and standing for the truth, particularly when facing ethical issues. The objectives of Islamic Law (preserving the deen, life, akl, lineage, and wealth) and the principle of Islamic Legal maxims (motives, certainty, injury, hardship, and custom) should be made clear when making medical decisions for the patients. Each Muslim doctors should have a firm stand and reason on why they get into this noble professions (even though this might not be their initial interest), as stated in the Holy Quran (Surah Al- Maidah, Verse 32):

Ethics is doing the right thing even when no one is looking. This is actually the concept of Ihsan (perfection), which has been taught thousand years ago by the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. The 4 principles of medical ethics (autonomy, beneficence, non-maleficence, and justice)should be uphold by all medical professionals in delivering best treatment for the patients.

Ibadah friendly hospital won't benefit the Muslim patients only, instead the whole stakeholders of the healthcare system. It's time for us to walk the talk and present as His best creation in this world.