Letting Go and Start Over

 

It has been one week since I reported duty in my new workplace - Universiti Putra Malaysia. Whenever people asked me on "how is I'm doing?", "how is life there?", I just could not really describe yet as I have not started my lecturer tasks fully yet at the moment. I tried to keep my daily routine as busy as possible like before by reorganizing my notes, laptops, books, decorating my rooms, reading articles, and updating my profiles online. These are all the 'to do lists' that I'd like to complete previously but never get the time when I was so engrossed with my previous work. 

The few early days at new work place was casual for me as I already familiar with the setting and people here during my postgraduate years of study. But I got this mix feelings of happy, anxious, and lonely. My phone became so quiet recently - guess what, from countless WhatsApp groups, now I only got 1 WhatsApp group to attend to for working purpose. I got plenty of time to always checking my mailboxes almost every half an hour.  No one is knocking my door except for En. Mus occasionally to pass on key/printed forms etc. No stacks of documents to be signed and checked on daily basis. No public complaints to attend to. No private messages or calls to ask on COVID-19 - I suppose my last year birthday wish has come true that no one ever contacted me in relation to COVID-19 anymore.

The year of 2020 - 2021 have been struggling years for most people when the pandemic COVID-19 strike the world. As a fresh DrPH graduate and gazetting Public Health Medicine Specialist, I came back to work with full of enthusiasm and courageous to fight the pandemic and face the ground work challenge. I began my work in Lembah Pantai district health office as a Medical Officer, helping out in the Operational Room daily activities - case investigation, data analysis, cluster report preparation and presentation, risk assessment, sampling activities planning and execution. Six months later, I was appointed as the Epidemiology Officer, boarding the ship when the COVID-19 cases spiking again after transient deceleration at the end of 2020. Alhamdulillah, with strong teamwork and some innovation on the work processes, we've managed to sailed through the 3rd waves of the pandemic, though many calamities have occurred. One of the most disheartening experience was looking at the increasing numbers of daily death reported. In average on daily basis, there were 15-20 number of dead bodies that were attended in Lembah Pantai during the peak of 3rd wave of the pandemic. The burnout and hopelessness feelings when nothing seems to be improving were very demotivating. When I was working as a Medical Officer in Anaesthesia Department last time, I could see the effect of resuscitation towards my patients instantly whenever their oxygen saturation picked up, their blood pressure increasing and the heart rate revived. Back then, even though I faced with patient's death under my care during on call, but the grieve and sadness was not relentless and perpetuated like what I've experienced in public health. When most people were stuck at home during MCO (Movement Control Order), I drove to work every day diligently, crying in the car every morning, anxious with what would come and preparing data as early as 5am in the morning. All the daunting experience not only gave impact to my emotions and psychologically, but also physically. I put on weight almost 5kg within 1 year full of stress, got palpitation and fine tremor. I could not go on if I don't have full support from my understanding husbands and family members… One day I was struck when my daughter asked my husband: "why ummi always go back home late and not cooking for us like last time anymore?" That's when I thought that I had enough with this hectic lifestyle. This is not how I wanted my life to continue and not the way I wanted my children to be brought up.

Becoming  the 'big boss' was never my intention upon becoming a specialist. With every great achievement, it comes with bigger responsibility. I was very fortunate to get the opportunity and was given trust to lead and manage a District Health Office in Kuala Lumpur - Lembah Pantai District Health Office. Although I didn't complete at least 1 year 'reign' as a Medical Officer of Health (MOH), it was a priceless lifetime experience that I'd bore. When I was appointed to become the MOH, I remembered one of the Ertugrul's script in the drama series:

"When your heart starts to beat for being a bey (Leader) once, it is much better for you to be captured. When this ambition captures your soul, be sure that your heart is thrown into the fire. May God protect our heart from that ambition… Let us always pursue God's blessing… Let us be the ones who are given duty, instead of asking for it… So that our heart will stay pure…"

Becoming a Medical Officer of Health is not easy as the responsibilities were enormous - handling staff issues, health care clinics management, financial and budgeting, human resource management, execution of public health management at district, public complaints, office and clinic project developments etc. I was juggling with many concurrent activities everyday: signing and checking documents, chairing and attending meetings, solving problems, planning activities, responding to higher authorities AS. Sometimes I thought I've became like an octopus in the office, not mere shaking legs like other people thought of. Since working alone in the office room, I rarely had my own 'me time' even for a peaceful lunch time/break. The tough gets going…

It was an irony for me, I started my doctor career under Ministry of Health in Kuala Lumpur, and later left this ministry when I was also working in Kuala Lumpur. I think I had enough with the morning rushing hour and purchasing endless traffic jams. It's time to resume life balance and pursue my long term interest in becoming a medical lecturer. When I attended the Islamic Input in Medical Practice course recently, I was reinspired when got the chance to see and listen back to the wisdom words of my dearest lecturers like Prof Tahir, Prof Omar Hassan Kasule, Prof Arif - they were all have portrayed good example and passionate Islamic medical educators. As a Muslim Medical Practitioner, we need to walk the talk and "be the instrument of Thy Will and Mercy, and in all humbleness, to exercise justice, love and compassion", as I took the Medical Oath IIUM 13 years ago 😊

The Missing Gap of Muslim Medical Practitioners

My attendance to yesterday seminar on Ibadah Friendly Hospital at UPM has reflected myself a lot as a Muslim medical practitioner. When I was an undergrad medical student in IIUM (UIAM), we were constantly reminded on islamicizing our medical management via Islamic Input subjects. This process of medical shift towards Islam is part of the paradigm shift for Muslim medical professionals from sechular into Tauhidic paradigm as to achieve God's blessings (Mardhatillah). As the product of International Islamic Medical University of Malaysia, we've signed and took the Muslim Physician Oath before we begin our duties as medical doctors.

Sadly, as we entered the real world of housemanship and medical practice, many of us diluted and lost our way with the existing working environment, including myself.  Though I've clerked and reviewed hundreds/thousands of Muslim patients, how many of them that I've spared my time asking on their solah, which is the fundamental pillar of Islam. I'd only interested in diagnosing and managed their medical illness, forgotten their spiritual needs, which need to be guided and assisted by Muslim Medical professionals. Undeniably, there are some of Muslim Medical professionals who are still ignorant on this issue, or worried about what other people may think if they talk on this matter (e.g. don't wan't to be labelled as a religious person). Assuming that Muslim should know how to perform and take care of their own solah (as everyone is in charge of their own deeds), or even park the whole responsibility to the single ustaz/ustazah  who is in charge of religious activity/programme in the hospital, I've separated the true concept of ibadah, which should include both religious and daily work/doings. The correct equation should be:

Work = Ibadah = Amal

So what so special about Ibadah friendly Hospital? It is not mere educating the medical staffs about alternative ways to perform solah in assisting Muslim patients. It is actually a platform for all medical professionals to perform good deeds for patients, between other staff members, and their own selves. I was very inspired when one of the speakers shared with us on how a public hospital in Terengganu has implemented this Ibadah friendly concept in their medical wards. When it was prayer time, patients and ward staffs will pray congregationally at the prayer space created in the ward. Apart from getting the multiplied rewards as performing solat jamaah, the relationships between ward staffs and the patients also can be harmonious as Islamic deeds incorporated in their daily task/activities. Doctors should prescribe and advice solah regularly in their medical management for Muslim patients so that nurses can carry out the order (instructions) easily. The spiritual needs of patients should be also taken care, which include ibadah performing assistance, spiritual support (chaplaincy), and spiritual care.

Scientifically, the benefit of Solah toward general well-being, medical illness like backache, impotency, and mental illness has been studied and proven by many researchers. I was very intrigued with the expert sharing from Prof. Ir. Dr. Fatimah Ibrahim fom Faculty of Engineering UPM on her innovation in quantifying the physical effect of solah by performing it correctly, according to the Sunnah. Her study findings showed that preoccupied (khusyuk) solah increased one's general well-being, internal energy, and longevity. I was surprised that the study on medical benefits of solah has been applied even by non-Muslim medical consultants in treating their patients and there is a special health clinic which provide this solah therapy in Universiti Malaya.

In order to execute and realize this holistic concept of Ibadah freindly hospital, Muslim medical professionals should be more assertive and brave in holding and standing for the truth, particularly when facing ethical issues. The objectives of Islamic Law (preserving the deen, life, akl, lineage, and wealth) and the principle of Islamic Legal maxims (motives, certainty, injury, hardship, and custom) should be made clear when making medical decisions for the patients. Each Muslim doctors should have a firm stand and reason on why they get into this noble professions (even though this might not be their initial interest), as stated in the Holy Quran (Surah Al- Maidah, Verse 32):

Ethics is doing the right thing even when no one is looking. This is actually the concept of Ihsan (perfection), which has been taught thousand years ago by the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. The 4 principles of medical ethics (autonomy, beneficence, non-maleficence, and justice)should be uphold by all medical professionals in delivering best treatment for the patients.

Ibadah friendly hospital won't benefit the Muslim patients only, instead the whole stakeholders of the healthcare system. It's time for us to walk the talk and present as His best creation in this world.

Holding On to Get There...

Being a postgraduate student, I've retrieved my writing skills. I was a diary person when I was a medical student as I found relief by that methods of feeling ventilation. I still keep those diaries as for my later years reflection and memory (wonder if that can be future document analysis project 😎). 

As I'm currently indulging in qualitative research, I need to polish that skills I left to more enriched and inviting ones. One of the main goal of a postgraduate student is to be graduated on time (GOT). The challenges and obstacles faced are much way complex and troublesome as compared to undergraduate as life become more complicated to most of us as we grow older 😣.

When we were left to our own timeline and schedule, our focus may be side track towards many options and temptations. Each time we want to start doing what we are supposed to do as a student, we may don't have the mood of doing it or prioritize our personal matters instead. We've made list of checklists but jumbled up the "supposed to be done" with "want to be done", which later ends up with "nothing being done".

I found that in this journey of postgraduate study really made myself to ponder and reflect my inner-self. It is important to have a good company and friends, which can always remind and encourage you to hold on and persistent in pursuing your aim goal: GOT. But most important of all is to reconnect and have a good remembrance of your Creator, as vital as the oxygen that we breathe. Sometimes we may be too dependent on human - "what if they say..." "what if they do..." "what if they think...". We will be chasing the dateline(s) and just get the things done half-heartedly. Then we should recall and remind ourselves on what is our main intention in pursuing the postgraduate at the first place. Is it just for the sake of upgrading your career and salary? proving your friends or previous bosses that you are better? These are all only worldly intentions, which we may achieve but won't sustain...as our life beyond this world.

As I drove back yesterday in the midst of traffick jams with sunset in front...the panorama strike me as if picturing my life at present. I may be trailing now, but I can see the rays of lights ahead of me as others also pursuing. I remembered what I've gained from recent Yasmin Mogahed talk: 

Never loss hope in Allah swt. Trust His Mercy, He is The most Merciful and Compassionate to the mankinds...

May Allah guide and blessed me (and all the postgraduate students) with persistence and steadfastness to hold on in this journey of life as I'm getting there....